What Hurts the Most
by midnightwolf2192
Summary: Sirius looses the one he loves- can he cope? Short one-shot about loss and love. I can make it longer if you want.


What Hurts the Most

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_

_  
That don't bother me_

The rain was pelting against the roof of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. It didn't bother the only occupant awake though. Sirius Black was sitting at the dining room table, a bottle of Firewhiskey and a glass beside him.

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

_  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

It had now been 15 years to the day since she had died. Sirius allowed himself to cry sometimes not all the time. It always hurt too much to cry because his thoughts always drifted to her.

_Even though going on with you gone still upsets me_

_  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
_

It was always hard for Sirius to continue. Sometimes he didn't want his life to continue without her but he had to. There were days when he was genuinely okay but then there were days when he would have to pretend he was okay. These days were: Christmas, her birthday, his birthday and their anniversary.

_But that's not what gets me_

But those thoughts were not what made Sirius spend nights at a time drinking away his sorrows. Oh no

_What hurts the most_

_  
Was being so close_

What was hurting the most was the fact that he lost her. She went on a mission for the Order and after not returning when everyone else did, was pronounced MIA, in other words, dead

_And having so much to say_

_  
And watching you walk away_

He was also hurting because he never got to tell her how he felt. He loved her. He told her but he didn't tell her enough. He didn't properly show her because he assumed they would have the rest of their lives. His last words to her were "good Luck, come back soon," and "I love you." He also kissed her but he wanted to properly show her.

_And never knowing_

_  
What could have been_

He had wanted to know if he would have a future with her. Ever since she 'died', he always thought about what the future would be like. He would hopefully propose to her, marry her, have a bunch of kids with her then die by her side.

_And not seeing that loving you  
_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

He loved her, but he didn't know if she knew. Maybe to her all they did was have a silly little 'school-girl' crush, but to him it was more than that. It was love.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It_

Everywhere Sirius would go he would be reminded of her. He would go to Hogwarts to see Dumbledore and he would remember her as a student when he would visit in her seventh year for chats. He would walk through Diagon Alley and remember the quick kisses in the street or the longer, more passionate kisses in alleys behind shops or just holding hands when walking. He would walk to the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade and be reminded of countless dates there.

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

_  
Still Harder_

It was hard when everyone would come for a visit. He would see all of them with kids and think _~ one day that might have been us ~. _He would always force a smile and tell them that he was alright but every night he would drown his sorrows with a bottle of Firewhiskey.

_Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret_

_  
But I know if I could do it over_

He found it very hard to get dressed of a morning, whether it be the hang-over he always had or the fact that he felt regret. That's right Sirius Black was regretful. Why didn't he go on the mission instead of her? Why didn't he persuade her not to go?

_I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart_

_  
That I left unspoken_

If he could do it all over again, he would tell her everything in his heart he wanted to say. Only because he assumed they would have the rest of their lives to say everything, he didn't say much that was in his heart.

_What hurts the most_

_  
Is being so close_

He had hugged her, as he had done with everyone that was going on the mission. He was so close, but why didn't he tell her? Even he couldn't answer that question.

_And having so much to say_

_  
And watching you walk away_

This particular night as he was on his 7th glass of Firewhiskey, he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He looked towards the doorway and saw Remus standing there looking at him with a worried expression.

_And never knowing_

_  
What could have been_

"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus whispered so as not to wake the whole house up.

"I'm drinking my good buddy. Want to join me?" Sirius asked motioning to the chair next to him and conjuring up a second glass. He filled it and placed it at the seat.

_And not seeing that loving you_

_  
Is what I was trying to do_

Remus sat down pensively "Sirius, this won't bring her back. You and I both know that. Why do you keep torturing yourself? She wouldn't want you to do this." Sirius listened but as soon as Remus had said it he downed his glass of Firewhiskey in one gulp.

_What hurts the most_

_  
Is being so close_

Sirius smirked at his friend. His face then became solemn and he said "I truly loved her mate. I wish I had said it more. She made me feel whole again. After being in Azkaban for 12 years she just completed me. She was the total opposite of me, but she was my world."

_And having so much to say_

_  
And watching you walk away_

"Opposites attract. I mean look at Lily and James, Harry and Ginny, Ron and Luna, myself and Nymph even - we are all different from our partners." Remus said

_And never knowing_

_  
What could have been  
_

Remus stood up, laid a hand on his friends shoulder and said "Padfoot, she knew you loved her. She knew and she will always know. She will always be in your heart, but let her rest. You will never forget her. I promise, none of us will." He then walked out of the room and went back to bed.

Sirius watched his friends retreating back. He stood up and went and got his coat. With a *pop* he apparated away from Number 12 Grimmauld Place.

_And not seeing that loving you_

_  
Is what I was trying to do_

Sirius landed in a graveyard. He walked over to one grave in particular. It was beautiful stone angel. He cleared some of the growing weeds from the grave and carefully laid some flowers he had conjured.

He crouched down and read the name written on the gravestone, his fingers tracing the words as he read.

**Hermione Jean Granger**

**19****th**** September 1980- 24****th**** November 2001**

"**Our beautiful, dedicated angel. She died fighting to save us all. We will miss her forever"**

_Not seeing that loving you_

_  
That's what I was trying to do_

"I love you Hermione." Sirius whispered into the wind.

A gust of wind blew past him and Sirius knew she was watching. The wind blew around his head and the final thing he heard before departing the cemetery was:

"_I love you too Sirius."_


End file.
